come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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