so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
50% drunk capacity currently
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
