Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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