so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
