I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
