how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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