He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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