legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
