I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
