seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
