I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
