Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
