What a fucking waste of an outfit
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I did not marry a roomba.
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