I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
