So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
