So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize