I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
