You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
