You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize