Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
