I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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