Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
