did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
