Apparently you make a good broom.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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