five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
