I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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