this beer tastes like vomit already
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
