I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
