if you like me you must not know who I am
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
