Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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