I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
