I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
