i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
