the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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