I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
