And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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