3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
