"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
