i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
my poor anus
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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