He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
