Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
