also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
