I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
