I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
