I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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