Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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