I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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