Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
