The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
