I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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