someone threw a dead crab at me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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