if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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