How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Are my feet made of real feet?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize