Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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