Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
