just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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